Yes, I’m cheating my way through school. But only when I feel like it’s necessary. AKA when I do Pre-Algebra and Chemistry/Physics.
I can’t make myself understand what I am learning, even if someone is teaching it to me. I just don’t understand any of it. I don’t understand algebra, which is why I am in Pre-Algebra instead of Algebra II like I should be. Speaking of not understanding math, I literally cannot multiply 380 x 44 without a calculator. I never learned how. Well, I did, but I never understood.
I just need to get done with 10th grade, I need to get done with school. I need to gradudate so I can get my dream camera. I wish granny wouldn’t have bribed me into doing school again because I have no idea what I am doing, or learning, I have to cheat to make my way through.
It’s just too hard.
I don’t think anyone under-freaking-stands how much I like this guy.
I don’t even think I under-freaking-stand.
I think the thing that people hate about me the most is that when they’re rude, I’m as nice as I could be.
Granny told me today, “If you get back into school and graduate, I will give you the money you need to get that camera you want. But only if you graduate.”
At one point, I feel like it’s a bribe. At another point, I feel like this is the only actual time I’ll be able to get my Canon EOS 40D. My dream camera. I have to do this, but I feel like it isn’t fair. I know it’s going to be physically painful since it hurts me to write (NOT DOING COMPUTER HOMESCHOOLING AGAIN, IF ANYTHING.) but… I need this camera.
I’m happy.
And nothing is ever going to change that again.
I just think it would’ve been easier if I wouldn’t have survived the stroke, because then I wouldn’t be suffering with the problems I have right now.
Is there such a thing to not want to die, but not want to live either? I have that.
Everything would be so much easier if I didn’t have to breathe, since my breathing/panic attacks cause all of my problems. …Except for the side effects of the stroke.
I just got the news that Preacher Rippy is dying. When I say dying, I mean grandma calls, and his granddaughter posts on facebook ‘Stay with us, old man. I know you’re really out of it, but we’re too selfish to lose you right now.’
I just sat at the computer screen and stared at the picture she attached with that, of him. Then, something started playing in my iTunes.
I don’t think that’s a coincidence.
I don’t want to lose my second grandpa.
Today, I decided to actually do school. I got on the desktop, pressed the ‘start’ button, and… Where was my SOS Student program? What about the SOS Teacher?
I put in one of the CDs for school and clicked it when it appeared on the computer, and it said ‘You need to install Switched-On Schoolhouse to use this disc.’
Someone deleted my school program. I lost everything. I was more than halfway done, and I lost it.
Speaking of losing it, I actually semi lost my mind. I didn’t know what to do but for some reason I ended up running to a forest in a neighborhood near my house. I probably cried for an hour while I sat on the ground engulfed and silenced by trees.
I couldn’t do it. I can’t start 10th grade all over again. I’m honestly just going to drop out, I think.
“The feelings never went away, did they?”
“… No.”
I haven’t done school in almost 3 weeks because I’ve been confused.
I don’t think I care.
